Lovers and Friends

I’m here, in my new home City, and I’ve met up with M again. We haven’t managed to reconnect on a romantic or sexual level at this point, and it’s possible we may not do, ever. Things are not really “bad” between us, however they are not really “good” either. We’re in a place where we must re-negotiate what our relationship means, and how it can express itself.

Nevertheless, it’s GREAT to see her again, to share space and words and mind and heart with her again, and she says the same to me. Regardless of whether we can re-form a romantic relationship, we both value each others presence and the lessons we’re learning.

She has been introducing me to her friends and lovers here over the last few days, and they are amazing people, every one of them. We went to a house party, someone’s birthday, on Saturday night, and as we walked into the lounge, there were various people playfully and passionately kissing each other and lounging on huge pillows and listening to one of the crew DJing. M pointed out one particular married couple, where the husband was kissing one woman, and the wife kissing another man, and everything was lovely. People moved between kissing partners as easily and freely as they moved between conversation partners.

“How,” not “How Many”

M is back in the same country, back at home with her parents. We’ll see each other again in about three weeks.

One part of me is really excited and wants to get across there now to meet up again after four long months apart; another part of me wants to stay and hang out & play with Blue-Eyes, and meet up with X again for a brief few days, after four long years.

Everyone seems to want their relationships and love-lives to be “simple”, despite every experience and evidence that it very rarely is. While it can be, from time-to-time, blissfully wonderful and simple, the reality is that it takes a lot of concentration and energy to maintain all kinds of relationships, from lovers to family to friends and various catastrophes or strife among them.

Why should polyamory be any different? And, from talking to a few people about it, it sounds like one of the most common reasons not to  pursue a multiple-partner love-life is because the number of invested relationships would be too many to comfortably manage. The common comment is, “dude! I have enough trouble managing one relationship, let alone two or three…!”

Grappling with the Practicalities

I wrote an e-mail to a close friend of M’s, who has also been living a poly lifestyle for several years, and whom has shared partners—and herself—with M. C has known M for much longer than I have, and has direct experience with how M goes about her relationships.

I laid out the details for her, and the conversation went like this:

“Mmmm…

I am surprised that M doesn’t want to hear about your other connections. From my experience, she has always expressed an interest in knowing her lovers’ lovers. However, if the two of you made that agreement before she left, then so be it. And in my opinion email+time zones is rarely the appropriate medium for having those types of conversations anyway. If, what or when you tell her is really up to the two of you to negotiate.

In my opinion, having feelings for someone, whether it be emotional, sexual, deep or peripheral is nothing to be ashamed of. Love is not a limited resource, and when we find people we like/love/are attracted to it should be celebrated. Relationships come in all shapes and sizes and it would be crazy to assume that you had no previous connections or will never have any more in the future. What you get and give to X is not the same thing as what you get and give to M. Appreciate the uniqueness of each of them. By the sounds of it, they are both very special women in your life, which makes you a pretty lucky guy.